I AM NEEDY

I joined a writing group last week.  I know, it makes no sense…why would a mama, living in Haiti, going to grad school choose this during this season?

I have no idea…

And as nervous as it makes me to be vulnerable with other writers reading my work, I am also beyond thrilled to have the accountability of continuing to write for fun and know that I have a deeper outlet during my week than another midwifery journal :)

So, here is the first weeks assignment…

There is a common story from my childhood that has resurfaced for me a few times in the past few years.  First, because I think it is one of those that is just funny to tell and second, I think God has been trying to show me, refine me and teach me through it.  

I could hear her tiptoeing into my room.  I had just turned out the light for the night and the darkness triggered immediate movement outside my door.  I pretended that I was already sleep, and within minutes I could feel two little eyes burning holes right through my eyelids.  

“Erin...Erin, can I please sleep in your bed?”

I slowly opened my eyes and groaned groggily.  Any adult would have called me out on this charade immediately, but my little sister stood at the edge of my bed doe-eyed and innocent, authentically seeking refuge from the darkness in my presence.  “I guess.  Get in the bed, I have to go to the bathroom quick, “ I responded, apathetically.  My mind was already heading out of the room and plotting my next move.

Megan quickly hoisted herself into my daybed and snuggled down into the covers, pulling them up to the brim of her chin.  With only her eyes showing she whispered to me as I went out the door, “Erin, hurry back please.”

As soon as I was out of the room and the door was shut, I slowly and gently lowered myself to the floor.  Then, as quietly as possible I went back into the room; only not in the way you would anticipate, but rather in a way that kept me from being seen or heard by my little sister.  As soon as I had successfully “Nam-crawled” back into the room, I rolled under the bed and pulled down the mauve dust ruffle to keep me out of sight (My thoughts drifted to the color and pattern of my bedding.  Man, I despised that color; yet, everything in the room was that blessed color!  Even the hide-a-bed couch that sat in the corner and the dress of the rabbit that rested upon it.).  

“Erin?  Erin, are you coming back?” Megan’s voice quivered as she called out for me in the dark.

Oh, right...stay on task.  It was in that moment I worked up my best scary voice.  I tapped into the voices from ‘Big’ and pictured creatures from ‘The Goonies’ in my head, and with the best raspy, monster voice I had I began to whisper from under the bed. 

“Megggggaaaaan....Meggggaaaaan......”  I had to stifle my laugh as I heard her heart beat and felt the bed began to shake.  I continued to repeat her name, until finally she called out to me again, this time with even more urgency.

As quietly as I had entered the room, I slithered back out to the door.  I have no idea how she didn’t see me, maybe she was squeezing her eyes shut or staring at the ceiling in fear, but as soon as I reached the door, I flung the door open and ran to her side.  “What?!?  Are you ok?  What is wrong?”

She didn’t cry, but as I took her into my arms I could feel her little heart beating against my chest; in that moment, my presence was bringing her comfort and validating her sense of safety.  However, it was in that moment that she was meeting a need for me to; a need that I was unable to identify in the moment, but looking back upon see so clearly: the need to be needed.

It is so interesting to me, how I as a human-created from the dust of the earth and in the image of our Creator God-can possess such a deep desire to be not only known, but also to be needed.  While I can’t think of any times that I created ways for my need to be met, at least none that were this dramatic (my poor sister), I do think that being the oldest of three girls, a fixer, an advocate for my sisters and my family, and spokeswoman/debater presented me with plenty of opportunities to feel that I was needed.  However, in the past year, many people who “needed” me have experienced healing, they have blossomed and flourished in the love of the Lord and the blessings that He has poured out on their families, and as a result I have really struggled with not feeling needed or valued.  

My sister and I recently made the drive from South Dakota to Kentucky and had the chance to process through some of these emotions a little bit.  I think that ‘being needed’ is a stuck place for me, and frankly, I find myself asking if I really want to be unstuck.  It is a place that I am able to cope and function and hold things together.  It is a place where I am so focused on the needs of others, that I am not forced to look at myself at all, let alone what I may stand in need of. 

I have spent much of the last year battling such contrasting emotions as a result of our family’s move to Haiti.  We sold our home and many of our possessions to live and serve at a creche outside of Cap Haitian, Haiti.  Our belongings and possessions, however, were nothing compared to the relationships that we left behind.  Yes, we gained many new relationships, but they seemed to complicate this problem.  You see, I continued to be constantly focused on the needs of others, and it felt selfish and foreign to acknowledge that I may truly be the one in need.   

God has kept me in the loop though and continued to gently nudge me in the direction of my need.  We have been through so many difficult situations in the past year, many of which I could not even do justice in discussing in this space, and during that time I have felt the depths of my soul cry out and experienced a deep longing to be heard and known.  However, I couldn’t identify what it was, for it was a feeling I had never allowed myself to feel before.  

“I am not a needy person.”

Yes, that is when I realized that God had me right where he wanted me.  I AM NEEDY.  I daily stand in need not only of My Lord--My Saviour, but also in need of brothers and sisters in Christ who have been given to me as a gift; as fellow sojourners on this path of life.  God knows my need, and He sneaks back into my room every night, in the same way I did to my sister, to be able to hold me and comfort me and remind me of my need for Him.

Yes, my tactics with my sister were wrong and I am grateful to be able to laugh about them now; however, praise God for a story that, while laughing, can also remove the veil from my eyes, draw me into the presence of the Lord, and ultimately be a story that continues to bring me to my knees.