Beautiful Grace

Where do I start to tell you about my first full day back in Haiti?  It feels like I have been back for weeks, yet when nannies I didn't see yesterday continue to come up and hug me today I quickly remember I did just come back.

Coming back was hard.  Not sure why, but I definitely concluded that it was harder than going home.  I LOVED my time at home!  Many have asked me if it was hard to be back in the States in the land of the "have"...really, I was with my family most of the time; in familiar surroundings, with people who knew me almost as well as another being could.  It was not hard to be in that place and be loved on and not have a need waiting outside the gate or even at the bottom of our steps.  

I was exhausted.  Travel had really taken it out of me and I was in a fog of over stimulation after landing in PAP and then in CAP and driving the familiar road that seemed all so new again...lined with so many people, people with so little.

I was now if full Haiti mode on the drive back.  I was reunited with my family-PTL and now thinking about the family that was waiting at COTP.  Carla leaves so soon-how can I spend time with her?  How can I give Sheila a break after covering for me and starting her first week of classes?  I wonder what Tori is doing in preschool?  I wonder how the VPs and Stolbergs beach trip went (it rained and they didn't go :( )  Wonder if Rose is sleeping better through the night...and these were only the thoughts of the staff, not to mention the hundreds of different thoughts I had about all of our kiddos and nannies and other staff...

I had learned the day before that the "little baby" we were planning on picking up from Milot on Monday had passed away.  Yup, in the time it took Sheila to leave her bedside and go to check on a few other kiddos and run some errands, she came back and little one was gone.  The Dr. had no answers, really just said she got sick and is now gone...Life is so FRAGILE.

When I got back to COTP on Tuesday I spent most of the afternoon with my girlies, catching up with ppl and taking a NAP!  Rob and I enjoyed going to bed at the same time together in the same bed, and we really got a great night of sleep.  Waking up the next morning the day proceeded in a pretty expected fashion.  We did school-which really just went amazing!  We hung out, I picked up a little, we played play-doh--play-doh, that is when it happened...

Sheila came up to talk with me just as we had called Megan on Face Time to say hi.  She seemed pretty upbeat, yet asked me if she could talk to me in the way that usually means that something is up.  She had came to discuss Annabel.  Sheila wrote in her blog, "I’d just taken her to see the doctor this morning about her persistent diarrhea and skin issues.  He made a few recommendations, some new, some we were already trying.  Nothing groundbreaking.  He said she’d be fine.  I’d believed him.  She wasn’t very dehydrated; it was easy to start an IV once we got back home and she decided to stop drinking the rehydration serum."

It was after the IV that Sheila came to talk with me.  Often we see kiddos perk up after IV fluids...that is usually the magic tool for us down here in Haiti and can really do a lot to help turn the corner for kiddos.  But Annabel's case was different.  While the supplemental O2 was bringing up her sats, her heart rate continued to be low...too low.  We looked things up, we hemmed and hawed for a few minutes and then quickly decided it was time to go.  Sheila and I crammed into the back of the truck with the large O2 machine (that was plugged into the small generator running in the back of the truck) and Annabel who we stabilized on the Wii balance board while we alternated giving her compressions and bagging her.  Carla was in the front; however, she leaned over the backseat the entire way to the hospital holding the IV bag while Wilson drove...really fast.

There was a moment on the way there where Sheila and I looked at each other, and caught Carla's gaze as well...There were words involved and I don't remember what they were but our expressions and actions just begged the question, "Are we going to make it?"

I think we knew the answer...

At this point all I could think about was how much my girls loved Annabel...how much a little girl now back in the states loved her...how much a teenage girl here in Haiti loved her...wait...how much I love her...

She was so loved...and she didn't have anyone but us.  If she was mine, I would do everything until someone told me to stop.  I didn't want to tell the girls...I didn't want this to be real!  She was smiling when I visited her this morning!  Oh Jesus...

That is what I said all the way to the hospital...I felt the need for someone to pray out loud, to claim her life for Jesus...but I couldn't talk, I couldn't ask...all I could do is whisper his name...

Jesus...

I lifted her out of the truck while Sheila grabbed every tube...I continued to squeeze and compress her little chest...We ran to the Peds unit.  On the way we saw a Dr. who then followed us.  From there it was brief...he didn't look at her long...she was gone...

I couldn't breathe...I went to leave the room, I had to run...I can't do this...then I remembered Sheila and turned back not wanting to leave her alone.  Then Wilson was there so off I went.  

It is very Haitian to just go out into the courtyard and wail and mourn.  I don't think anyone would have judged me.  I just couldn't breathe...I was going to fall down.  

I walked back to the front of the hospital, sobbing...past everyone who had just seen me carry sweet Annabel into the gates.  Now I was walking, a bawling mess...without her.  

I found a back corner and then the sobs and the groanings came.  Groans so deep...no words could explain.  I cried for Annabel...I cried for my girls and their hearts that loved her without question...I just cried out to God in confusion and sorrow.

Carla came then, walking back from finding the American Dr.'s who were visiting.  She knew...we cried together.

We went back to where Sheila and Annabel were, quietly said our thank yous and checked on the other two babies that we have in the hospital right now.  Both stable and both "peti pi bon"-a little better. The visiting doctors were now standing by the bedside.  They were shaking their heads and giving us their condolences. As they walked away, I heard one say to the other, "They are so sad...I guess they are the only family this little one had."  I remember thinking in my head, "We are, and there are more of us at home."  Then I carried Annabel to the car and we headed for home.  

She was so peaceful.  I thought really at any moment her eyes would do their little flutter thing and she would wake from this deep sleep.  My being, squeezing her close against my chest, attempted to will her back to life.  How was I going to go back and tell my girls.  God, this is too much...

Yeah, God...what are you doing?  She was so little, so fragile, so loved...why Annabel?  What are you trying to teach me?  How is this going to grow the faith of my girlies...how is this going to hurt their hearts and how in this great earth do your think I am capable of handling this?!?  But thank you that I am here...thank you that this didn't happen last week, or even yesterday...Thank you we are all together.

She is running isn't she?  And dancing and smiling...she is more whole and perfect than she has ever been-and she is one perfect little lady ;)

Back at COTP, I carried Annabel upstairs to the girls apartment, the tears burned fresh again as I past her sweet nannies at the bottom of the steps...watching as they realized the fate that Annabel had met-they LOVE her so much!  Kirk and Rob were quick to follow upstairs...I was losing it...I can't do this...this is really happening.   

I made it down the stairs, then fell to my knees outside the office...Rob asked me if I wanted to wait but I pulled it together and we went to find the girls.  They were baking cookies with Emily for us and Sheila and Carla...I knew what they were doing...Emily, I love you :)

We all headed upstairs and sat down.  Gra knew something was going on, I later asked her and she knew where I had been.  I told them then...tears running down my face...Gracie wanted to cry, the depth of Karys' eyes shown her pain and Addy just looked on puzzled.  I asked the girls if they wanted to pick out clothes for Annabel.  They did, but really wanted Emily to help them..."She loved Annabel so much, she will know the perfect outfit."

So we went down and met up with Emily and she showed them a dress she had in mind and they all agreed on a bow for her hair...when we came back up Gracie sat in the chair. I offered to hold her and she said no...so I just bent down and told her that she could cry and that she didn't need to hold it in...so she did...a lot...Karys was really quiet but seemed to be processing it appropriately-her eyes teared up as well from time to time...Addy started crying quite a bit too. When I asked Addy about it she said it was because she was so sad for Annabel, that she didn't have breath anymore. I sat with the girls for quite a while in the living room...then we decided we should sing Jesus Messiah b/c we were all cried out and needed something to help us move forward. After that we moved on to eat dinner and then went up to the apartment and saw her. She looked so happy and so beautiful...I think it was really good for the girls. They touched her and kissed her and smiled at remembering her-Toby also saw the baby and wanted to hold her so bad  .

Annabel's nannies are so sad :( So the girls and I sat with them a little tonight as well and just listened to them, loved on the babies there and hugged the nannies lots...they loved her so much!

The rest of the night went fairly well.  They were tired and spent...

God I trust you!  I trust that you are sovereign and you are on the throne...but help me out here.  How do I sit back and resign myself to trusting you in all of that, all the while feeling like what is happening is so unjust and just so HARD!

Can you just help me see how this will help grow their faith and not break their hearts...thank you for giving me the words to assure them-When we open our hearts up to love, especially the least of these, with abandoned, we also open ourselves up to the hurt that can sometimes accompany that.  Even though we may get our hearts broken, it is ALWAYS worth loving!  ALWAYS!  And in doing that we also say that we are going to trust God to heal our hearts if they get hurt.  They both voiced that they believed God could do that...

"But mom, I loved her bigger than our whole house...probably more than all of COTP's land...and probably 1000 times more than that...that's a lot of love."  KJ

This experience has taught me a lot...I am not sure what it all is, but I see God in my girls.  My girls of grace...They loved Annabel with abandoned.  Gracie knew all about her.  If she was ever sick, what formula she was drinking, if she had a cough or a diaper rash and what medicine she was taking.  We had just been talking about her on Tuesday night when I got back.  I had to say, "Alright, Chatty Patty, time for bed."  to which she replied, "Good thing you told me that, I could talk about her all night."

So, we continue to press on.  I welcome your love and your encouragement, but I am only asking for that.  I know that for many of you when you read my posts, especially hard ones like this you wonder things like, "Is it really the best thing for your kids to be there?"  "Is there too much hard for their little hearts to bear?"  

Those are fair thoughts...I often wonder the same thing.  But I also know that God called my kids here too.  Called them to love 'the least of these', called them to hold their hands and show them how their love can lead 'boys to be kings and girls to be queens, wrapped in your majesty' (Audio Adrenaline Kings and Queens).  And in all honesty, I just can't deal with your thoughts and my own.  God is dealing with me in that...we are working through that.  And in all honesty, I really, really trust him right now. I am CONFUSED and hurting...let's be real.  But I have peace...the peace that passes understanding-or lack there of.  AND, I can see that peace in my girls.  They trust HIM...they are talking it through with me...they are listening to what God has to say, through me, about it...

We have no control of this world.  NONE.  We can question, we can fear, we can fight, and run and fall...but at the end of the day we have NO CONTROL.  God is sovereign and he is on the throne.  We are just doing our best to be his hands and feet and be obedient to what we are called to and find how in all things we can bring glory to his name.  That is what it is about...bringing Glory to God's name...so that is what you can pray for.  How in this mess...this beautiful, painful mess that has happened over the past day...how do we find God's glory and direct it where it is due?

That is what you can pray for...that is how you can ENCOURAGE us...

THANK YOU for joining us on the journey...we couldn't do this without you!

PS...after I began writing this, we also found out that Devensly passed away during the night last night. Three babies in three days...

Come, Lord Jesus, Come...

Read about Annabel's name, how she came to us and hear Sheila's account here.