I wanted to follow up on one of my last posts, "Beautiful Grace". In the days and the weeks that followed Annabel's passing I made a point to talk quite a bit about her with my girls. Even now today, I was scrolling through something and a picture of her caught one of their eyes and they were like, "Stop! There she is..."
They loved her so much...they continue to love her. And that is what we have been talking about. Why do you think that God put Annabel in your lives? Why do you think you fell in love with her? How do you think God is going to use Annabel's life for good?
We talked about the verse found in Romans:
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
How is Annabel's death going to be used for good? because she too was loved by him and was called according to his purpose...her life was created to bring glory to his name.
At first, the girls didn't know how to respond to this. They couldn't possibly see any good that was going to come out of death, and frankly, at the time that this happened and in the context (that is was surrounded by 3 other deaths), I didn't see how this was going to be possible either.
But God slowly opened our eyes and our hearts, allowing us just to glimpse his plan and his design.
Annabel was loved by so many! She was the sweetest little presence at COTP and was so often found under the mango tree in the arms of Emily, my girls, a visiting volunteer...if you have walked on COTP grounds in the past 7 months, more than likely you have met her :) Annabel's story has quite a reach if you think about it. In the days that followed her death, the blogs the posts, the prayers and the comments that flooded my Facebook page in response to what happened were astounding! So many people knew Annabel and loved her, just from meeting her one time. Annabel was a part of their visit to Haiti and their time here and through her they saw more of the Father. Through her, people also were stirred in their guts to love the orphan, respond to need, or even just to not take for granted the time we have here on this earth.
A part of their story...
This is the main place the girls and I see the good (I think this applies to a dear friend of theirs as well who spent A LOT of time with Annabel while she was down here in Haiti :) With Annabel is where you often found them. Holding her, feeding her, playing with her, even just sitting with her nannies and being with her-They loved the time they were able to spend there. Annabel taught them to love someone they didn't even know, b/c that little someone needed love. And they poured it out, without reservation, without guarding their hearts, they gave all they knew they could (and tried to even give more, but had to come home for dinner from time to time :) I have had thoughts, should I set more boundaries, should I put things in place that help them guard their hearts...life is SO fragile here. It can be ripped away at any given moment without warning and without answers.
Well, I quickly discovered the answer is no. It isn't my job and it keeps God from doing his. (There are obvious boundaries that Rob and I do put into place-no point in explaining them or discussing them here...just a brief mention to reassure and not distract you with that :)
My girls have learned:
-When we love with all our hearts, especially the unlovable, not only are we being obedient and blessing someone else, but in that we are trusting that when God makes it known that this child is not ours, but his alone, and he chooses to take them from us here...we are also trusting him to heal and tend to our hearts when they are hurting and broken. When Gracie finally let go and broke down, I told her just that. "God knows you are hurting, Baby Girl. He knows...and now is the part where we trust him to pick us up. He wants us to cry and to grieve...but he wants us to hear his whisper in our ear, "It is gonna be ok, I got this." He knows, Baby...He knows." We trust him with our emotions and our lack of understanding.
-And that is the second thing, we cannot always expect to understand God and His ways, nor are we intended to do so. I recently listened to a FANTABULOUS podcast from Tim Keller that he preached on Aug 1, 2012, called Questions of Suffering. It was SO AMAZING and such a balm to my soul in light of what our time in Haiti has looked like. He has 3 main points, I don't remember all three of them because I remember being so hit by the 2nd one and the peace that it brought. I think they were like: avoid pat answers(i.e. what am I doing wrong? do I need more faith?), embrace living without an answer, anticipate the final answer. The blessing in this message came for me in the "Embrace living without and answer". It really focused on the fact that we shouldn't expect or even anticipate knowing the answer to the why, but rather we need to really seek to embrace the fact that we don't know why by God's choosing. Trusting God to know that 'why' and be in control of that 'why' not only deepens the trust that we have in him, but also deeply roots our joy where it is meant to be planted and grow. Our joy that is not conditional on the answer to the why, joy that is purely based on the love of God the Father for his children and his plan for our lives...that is the joy that will be found amidst suffering. Suffering will drive us into the Father and deeper into our source of JOY.
Let's be real. We all want answers. We all want to know the "why?" But already at their young age, my girls are glimpsing the lack of need to know and more of the identification of the JOY that abounds in situations when we know and trust God and his control and sovereignty. I have flat out asked them, "Do you guys ever wonder why this happened?" And the answer I most often get is, "No. But mom, God knows and there is good in Annabel's life." Blows me away every time...I know that some of that is their age and what they are able to grasp...fine. But I also don't try and explain it away and TRUST that that is a part of their story and who God is shaping them to be and the lessons that he is teaching them and the seeds that he is planting NOW...whether they are 6 and 7 or 32 like their mama.
-They are also learning to be proactive. To see a child's need for love and think beyond the easy (cuddling, holding, feeding, etc) but rather thinking about how they can bless a child, feed a child, find a child a home or their family a solution to stay together :) Man, that is good...and so fun to watch!
We are looking for the good...and while in the beginning the good may have been hard to find, it is finding us! And it is rich and joyful and amazing...we are BLESSED to sit back and watch the ripple that Annabel's life has created, both in the world outside of COTP's gates and in the hearts of little girls.
A message that I got after Annabel's passing:
Such hard stuff to face there, Erin.
But the raw reality of life and death make you all wiser and more keenly aware of the great desire we should all have for heaven...for God's kingdom to come and will be done.
It strains your hearts.
It hurts so....but it's genuine.
It's real.
No shopping malls, movies or makeup concerns to hide behind. No distractions from this truthfulness of this really broken world.
I believe your children will never fall for the lie that fame and fortune are the great pursuits in life. They will know better.
They will know the artificial life that one so easily finds in the world is just that.....artificial, bogus, not true, not real.
They will know real.
Maybe harshly, they already do.
They already know more about the curses of this earth than most adult americans.
You guys see it in one of its' cruelest forms.
I pray it will build in their hearts a great desire to share the love and life of Christ with the world, and it will draw them to love and serve the hurting, needy, and broken throughout their lives.
I am still so amazed at your and Rob's obedience to God's call for your family......and oh so blessed by your example.
I love you so.
But the raw reality of life and death make you all wiser and more keenly aware of the great desire we should all have for heaven...for God's kingdom to come and will be done.
It strains your hearts.
It hurts so....but it's genuine.
It's real.
No shopping malls, movies or makeup concerns to hide behind. No distractions from this truthfulness of this really broken world.
I believe your children will never fall for the lie that fame and fortune are the great pursuits in life. They will know better.
They will know the artificial life that one so easily finds in the world is just that.....artificial, bogus, not true, not real.
They will know real.
Maybe harshly, they already do.
They already know more about the curses of this earth than most adult americans.
You guys see it in one of its' cruelest forms.
I pray it will build in their hearts a great desire to share the love and life of Christ with the world, and it will draw them to love and serve the hurting, needy, and broken throughout their lives.
I am still so amazed at your and Rob's obedience to God's call for your family......and oh so blessed by your example.
I love you so.
My friend Sara, wrote this about her daughter, BreElle:
If you have spent five minutes with BreElle when she is with children you know her heart beats wildly for children. It is where she finds the most joy, although gymnatics rates pretty high too. ;) So this February Tim and I mad a decision that she would travel with me to Haiti tot he orphange that Albear lived. Since BreElle has been small she has told me she didn't think she wanted to birth children and just live in an orphange. A couple of her friends moved there this past summerErin Vande Lune and so it seemed the perfect opportunity. So we packed up and began this journey together. There was a group of 16. We arrived at COTP (Children of the Promise) and were getting a tour. Most of us looked like a deer caught in headlights, but not BreElle. She seemed more in her skin then I had seen. Within five minutes of arriving there her friends that live there and her were off to the babies. As the rest of us toured we arrived at the mango tree only to find the girls there with their babies in their arms. It was exactly as BreElle had dreamed. The baby she held was named Annabelle. She was in love! My emails back and forth to Tim VanZee went something like this everyday. "BreElle is spending more and more time with Annabelle everyday. She wants so badly for us to begin the adoption process again. I think we have lost her to Haiti." I would say. Tim would respond, "She looks sooooo happy. How wonderful to see her finding her passion." My heart leaped as I watched God grow BreElle's heart for the orphan even larger. The week was spent loving on babies and whenever we would wonder where BreElle and the girls were the response was always, "I think she is with Annabelle again." She loved rubbing lotion on her, playing with her, putting her in a front carrier and showing her "the world". She even loved staying in the baby house with her and trying out her Creole with the nannies. The night before we left she wept trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her friends, and these little ones she loved so deeply. The moment we arrived on American soil again she looked up with her brown eyes and said, "I want to go back." I told her that we maybe needed to give others a turn next year and the only way would be for us to fund her whole trip. She now has a jar of money going to get back there, and has given up summer camp so that she I will put that money towards Haiti. When she returned if you gave her five minutes of your time she would have bent your ear about the children. You would hear all about Annabelle, her sweet smile, her dislike of syrum that was treating her diarrhea, the mango tree, and so much more. My emails back to our friends, the staff at COTP were like this. "Oh my goodness BreElle misses the babies so much. We now have a white chicken named Annabelle. She is so in love. I'm sure we will be asking many questions about how they are doing. When the begin to roll, walk, or start to say their first words." Well, this past Wednesday Annabelle suddenly died. I was left with no words. I wanted so badly to be able to explain this to my child whose heart had been burst open by her time in Haiti. I was so afraid that this news was going to break her. I can say she is broken...VERY broken. But I have also relearned she is not mine and all I need to do is lay on my face with her and allow the deep sobbing hurt to find us. Somewhere in that hurt we feel a deep love from the Father. I pray in these days to come I can just continue to whisper promises of God's love to her. Baby girl you were asked to put on the FULL ARMOR of God not because this fight for what God has called you to would be easy but because it would be hard....extremely hard! Move forward little one and be the advocate I see God asking you to be. Continue to love no matter the pain that may meet that great love. Keep surrounding yourself with those great friends that have the same heart for God and speak truth to your life. Sweet girl it is not in acheivement or eloquence that you will begin being a world changer but it is in selfless, painful love and compassion. I know on a daily basis you may fail at those, I do all the time. I let my flesh give in to wanting what is best for "me". But press on and live in the grace you have already been granted. Continue to love greatly and carry little Annabelle's story with
you as you advocate. Annabelle means: beautiful grace. Thank you Jesus!
There is SO much GOOD!!! That is to come from Annabelle's life...and it is starting in the hearts of children...
Seems to me that is exactly the way Jesus would have wanted it :) And I am so thrilled that my girls are glimpsing the heart of the Father in this way and learning to love well with abandoned.
Cuddling Annabel last fall
Gracie and BreElle spending time together with the babies
A volunteer who was here in February who loved Annabel and spent lots of time with her. I love the picture of her holding Annabel and Roledine. They were about the same age...we think they either had the same birthday or were born days apart. They were besties :)
If you have spent five minutes with BreElle when she is with children you know her heart beats wildly for children. It is where she finds the most joy, although gymnatics rates pretty high too. ;) So this February Tim and I mad a decision that she would travel with me to Haiti tot he orphange that Albear lived. Since BreElle has been small she has told me she didn't think she wanted to birth children and just live in an orphange. A couple of her friends moved there this past summerErin Vande Lune and so it seemed the perfect opportunity. So we packed up and began this journey together. There was a group of 16. We arrived at COTP (Children of the Promise) and were getting a tour. Most of us looked like a deer caught in headlights, but not BreElle. She seemed more in her skin then I had seen. Within five minutes of arriving there her friends that live there and her were off to the babies. As the rest of us toured we arrived at the mango tree only to find the girls there with their babies in their arms. It was exactly as BreElle had dreamed. The baby she held was named Annabelle. She was in love! My emails back and forth to Tim VanZee went something like this everyday. "BreElle is spending more and more time with Annabelle everyday. She wants so badly for us to begin the adoption process again. I think we have lost her to Haiti." I would say. Tim would respond, "She looks sooooo happy. How wonderful to see her finding her passion." My heart leaped as I watched God grow BreElle's heart for the orphan even larger. The week was spent loving on babies and whenever we would wonder where BreElle and the girls were the response was always, "I think she is with Annabelle again." She loved rubbing lotion on her, playing with her, putting her in a front carrier and showing her "the world". She even loved staying in the baby house with her and trying out her Creole with the nannies. The night before we left she wept trying to figure out how to say goodbye to her friends, and these little ones she loved so deeply. The moment we arrived on American soil again she looked up with her brown eyes and said, "I want to go back." I told her that we maybe needed to give others a turn next year and the only way would be for us to fund her whole trip. She now has a jar of money going to get back there, and has given up summer camp so that she I will put that money towards Haiti. When she returned if you gave her five minutes of your time she would have bent your ear about the children. You would hear all about Annabelle, her sweet smile, her dislike of syrum that was treating her diarrhea, the mango tree, and so much more. My emails back to our friends, the staff at COTP were like this. "Oh my goodness BreElle misses the babies so much. We now have a white chicken named Annabelle. She is so in love. I'm sure we will be asking many questions about how they are doing. When the begin to roll, walk, or start to say their first words." Well, this past Wednesday Annabelle suddenly died. I was left with no words. I wanted so badly to be able to explain this to my child whose heart had been burst open by her time in Haiti. I was so afraid that this news was going to break her. I can say she is broken...VERY broken. But I have also relearned she is not mine and all I need to do is lay on my face with her and allow the deep sobbing hurt to find us. Somewhere in that hurt we feel a deep love from the Father. I pray in these days to come I can just continue to whisper promises of God's love to her. Baby girl you were asked to put on the FULL ARMOR of God not because this fight for what God has called you to would be easy but because it would be hard....extremely hard! Move forward little one and be the advocate I see God asking you to be. Continue to love no matter the pain that may meet that great love. Keep surrounding yourself with those great friends that have the same heart for God and speak truth to your life. Sweet girl it is not in acheivement or eloquence that you will begin being a world changer but it is in selfless, painful love and compassion. I know on a daily basis you may fail at those, I do all the time. I let my flesh give in to wanting what is best for "me". But press on and live in the grace you have already been granted. Continue to love greatly and carry little Annabelle's story with
you as you advocate. Annabelle means: beautiful grace. Thank you Jesus!
There is SO much GOOD!!! That is to come from Annabelle's life...and it is starting in the hearts of children...
Seems to me that is exactly the way Jesus would have wanted it :) And I am so thrilled that my girls are glimpsing the heart of the Father in this way and learning to love well with abandoned.
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