Finally, we got a little time to talk about it further (initiated by him asking me again "Are you ok?"). I thought about it harder this time...obviously something isn't right with me if her has asked multiple times.
This is what I came up with...
1. It was the week before my period. I am guessing that this played a part into my mood, responses, etc. After each kiddos this week has gotten a little more dramatic.
2. I am just a ball of emotions about my sister's pending delivery. I want to be there so badly. I want to call her when I feel like it. I don't like that she might not answer when I call her and it actually goes through on my phone. Ask her, I am stalking her from Haiti a little bit. I think I feel helpless, so I am over compensating in my communication.
3. I am just kind of blah...I could stay up here all day. With our kids, doing school, baking, crafting, vegging out on the couch...or even just by myself, reading, resting, singing, praying...I am not in search of a large purpose right now...
This was weird to put words to, but as we talked more, Rob was feeling the same way in a lot of ways. "Blah" was his word too...
I think for so long we have prayed for just some down time and a break and some rest. Well, things around here are continuing to go through changes and have struggles. But some of those changes have led us into a season of just joy and peace. Things really are flowing well right now with our baby care. There aren't any emergencies that we can foresee that we are standing in vigilant watch over and the general mood and moral has just really stabilized and almost taken on a sense of JOY! (If you keep up with my blog, you know that was one of the 2 words Jesus gave me on our first trip down to Haiti that this place was in need of-Jesus and Joy!).
In finding this new place, a place we invited and have prayed for I think we are both just so tired from where we have come from and now faced with decisions on how to best use our time and where God is leading us to direct our energies and our passions that our bodies and our minds aren't quite knowing how to respond.
We didn't reach any great conclusions...just have continued the convo since then really praying and seeking and asking where we fit here at COTP and what it is that God has for us.
This morning, however, I opened up my Jesus Calling. I love that devotional and go through long stretches where I don't miss a day, and then other times I go days without opening it. This time it had been days, but the words on the page were written just for me I swear (aren't they always when you open this book? ;)
"Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to BE STILL. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My kingdom have been done from sickbeds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for my way in the midst of these circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to me."
I feel like I glimpse the "active world" around me...some days I join into it for a while. I LOVE the work we do here...I LOVE the work that God is doing here at COTP...but it is always here. It isn't a matter of if there are things for me to do in this active world, but lately it has been a matter of my desire to do it. My being has just loved staying at home. Staying so calm and peaceful (a mindset I have needed to foster during a few recent behavior struggles with our kiddos) has been something that has just drawn me in. But my heart and my passion for this place and the call God is painting for me has been vivid and real as well...a very conflicting place to be, but according to this morning's devo-the PERFECT place to be. Bondye Konnen, folks...He knows exactly where I need to be right now and what I need to be whole in him. I give him my days and I pray that I will be willing to allow him to direct them. I pray that all expectations that I have for myself, but moreso the expectations that I create that I feel other people are placing upon me-I give him those as well.
"Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."
This verse has just resurfaced so many times for me throughout our past 5 months in Haiti. I love it...it also reminds me of home. We had this HUGE picture of a tree hanging on our living room wall (one of the only things we had on our walls ;) and this was the verse written at the bottom..."in quietness and trust"...
This period of quiet for me is growing and reestablishing my trust with the Lord...it is filling me. I told Rob today that I think I am healing from the events of the past few months. I am finding peace and healing...but I am not filling up. It was one of the most "empty" seasons of my life. It was AMAZING to watch God fill me to the level I needed to function, to provide care, to love my kids and be the mom and wife I could during that time...but now in the aftermath (love that Hillsong song) I just can't seem to get my cup back over half empty to the half full side of things. I need to allow God to fill me all the way so that my cup runeth over and I am able to GO FORTH in quietness and strength.
But for now, I rest and I sit in the blah and the mundane..."in quietness and in trust"...praying and knowing that God is on the throne, He knows my name and he holds my days...and only in Him am I whole and only in Him am I enough and only in Him am I useful!
Oh, Jesus...Thank you for your grace! Thank you that it is ENOUGH for me! I will wait and be still on you...
(verses from the devo today)
"13 Be silent, all flesh, before the Lord, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling." --Zechariah 2:13
"9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for Mystrength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [a]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [b]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!" --2 Corinthians 12:9 (Amplified Bible)
"15 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it." --Isaiah 30:15
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it." --Isaiah 30:15
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