but it is a post that I just really feel that I have to write. I need a chance to explain myself, to justify if you will, my need to blog.
This journey that God has brought us on in the past year has been AMAZING, HARD, CHALLENGING and beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. We have encountered JOYS and SUFFERINGS that I couldn't have even placed on my radar if you would have asked me one month ago, but through it all I have NEVER doubted if the Lord was with us or present. Don't get me wrong...I have been ANGRY and I have asked WHY a good number of times, but the nearness of the Lord and his SOVEREIGNTY has never been something that has been out of reach or concrete in my heart.
So now as we move forward from a hard season, I find myself writing blog posts in my head...some are about everyday normal things that my kiddos are doing...Toby's love for all things "machine", tools, and books. Addy's gentle spirit-ALWAYS thanking me for dinner and making me gifts from play-doh and what not, Karys love for adventure and all things girlie-coming back caked in mud one day and dressing up with her AG doll the next, and Gracie's soft and tender heart-so nurturing! I came back from meds the other night and she had given Addy a bath, combed her hair, and got her pjs on (Toby was sick).
I want to write about the community members I have met when the kiddos and I have gone for walks and stopped at the bridge to throw rocks...
About the blogs I am reading about adoption, parenting, and living with your children abroad...
About things I am excited about, all of the family and friends coming to visit this spring...
About the fact that life is moving forward...
But I don't feel like I can, there is a barrier that is standing in the way of me being able to do that...
This is the hard part...
There are so many people tied to this wonderful place...staff stateside, founders of COTP, board members, volunteers who have visited COTP in the past-some multiple times over, and families who have adopted from COTP or are currently in that process...
As much as I love this wide base, people who know and love this place and are invested in it for whatever reason...this is the barrier that I am writing about...
How do I write about normal life here? (I know many of you are like, "You life is far from normal" and you are right...but there is a level of normalcy that we are trying to reach and attain and I think that sometimes we do)
How do I write about this without worrying about someone feeling like, "Do you not realize what COTP is? Do you not realize what is has been? is going to be?"
"How can you be normal when I am at home waiting for my child? longing to be with them?"
I need you to hear my heart...
I don't know where you are in your season of life, what you have been through or what you are going through and I don't claim to understand that...but I do know that...
I do not know what it is like to wait for a child that you cannot feel inside you, that is living life apart from you, and who doesn't know that you are out there loving and waiting for them...I don't know that at all, nor am I claiming to know that, but rather I admire those that God is calling to that wait-in my eyes, they are not only called, but they are obedient...
I do know what it is like to feel responsible for over 60 children...to make sure their runny noses are wiped and their fevers are tended to, to make sure their meds are given on time, to make sure their diets are nourishing and their bellies are full, to make sure they are hugged often and not only told that their mommy loves them, but that they are loved by a Daddy who knows their hearts and every hair on their heads...
I do know that I will never fully live in my normal ways again...through this journey, through this walk in obedience that God has given us...we are FOREVER changed. Through ever JOY and every TRIAL, every HIGH and every LOW...we are CHANGED and we are able to glimpse a sliver of the heart of the FATHER...
This life we are living is not about us...but it also isn't about COTP, visitors, our family or our friends...it isn't about the Haitians that we walk with or the house full of babies we love more than we ever thought we could...it isn't about you-any of you reading this...I know that sounds harsh, but it is truth...
The fact that we think that this life is about us...that we are deserving of having our needs met, our hearts tended to...it just isn't true...
This life came to be, creation came to be for one reason and one reason alone. Because God spoke and it was...
He spoke life into the heavens and the depths of the oceans...He breathed life into every living being and formed man and woman out of his own hands...He took care in every detail and memorized every hair, every grain of sand, every drop of water he placed in the ocean...and He loved every minute of it-He took the time to sit back and look on all of it and declare that it was GOOD!
We live and move and breathe to bring Glory to the ONE who made us, the one who created all we live in, all we see, and all we cannot see...
It is in us and through us and around us that HE acts to bring Glory to HIS name, to show us HIS heart and to impact our lives and the lives around us with HIS love...
I need to declare this...I need to claim this on my life...
I need the freedom to live in this, to write of this...blameless in HIS sight, yet, all the while acknowledging that I am a broken, fallen being in need of a saviour...another sojourner walking these rocky, uneven road in search of forgiveness, grace and redemption...
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which he prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose."
I KNOW these things, I can recite these verses from memory...but, today I am claiming them.
Most of you who know me, know that I am pretty blatantly honest...raw, if you will...So in reading this blog, you have to know that from here on out that is what my posts will be...raw and real...
There may be times where something I write upsets you, makes you angry or hurts you...know my heart and know that is not my intention. I am longing to convey our journey to other pioneers on the road...to encourage and to bless and to share...but most of all, I want to declare God's hand and work in our lives. I want to take the time for those God sightings and share the lessons I am learning-most of which are often hard.
Grant me an umbrella of grace...I "hunger and thirst for righteousness for you namesake", but I am broken and fallen and SO in need of a saviour!!!
We have been reading the Beatitudes at Bible Study the past few weeks...and I meditate on them again even now...
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad,because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
these are the words of Christ. Words that call us into his family and teach us how to love and love those around us. That is what we are seeking to do-love Jesus and love those around us with all of our hearts...I invite you on the journey with us :)
But I warn you, travel at your own risk...
I read a blog by Jen Hatmaker a few weeks back that challenged parents to raise "dangerous" children...the only way I can see that being a reality is by being a parent that is dangerous themselves...this is a dangerous journey...but the reward at the finish line, that is there to be claimed and has been promised to us, is GREAT...therefore I will rejoice and be glad in the waiting...
No comments:
Post a Comment