One Month Ago

One month ago, life at COTP was fairly normal...however, it was the last day that I can remember falling asleep without a 2nd thought.  I didn't worry about what I would wake up to, about a sickness that would present itself in the night, about my lack of being able to control things...one month ago, I went to bed and I slept through the night...

I can hear the knocking at different times throughout the day, a knocking that I didn't used to turn my ear to...it was a knocking that was usually meant for Rob.  Someone wanting milk, keys, or a door opened...but on the morning of Jan 20th, it was Sheila knocking, and I didn't know it was her.  I laid in bed through a couple rapid rounds of it, and soon enough I could hear her yelling my name and Rob yelling from the step outside the pharmacy.

I also hear the yelling...many mornings I jolt up in bed thinking that I hear Rob yelling my name.  When I rush out to see if it is accurate I find him on the porch doing laundry, sitting in the kitchen doing his school work, or often not even upstairs at all.

It is so interesting to me, because I don't necessarily dwell on the fact that I don't want to go to bed at night.  Sometimes I can't even pinpoint why I am still awake...but when I step back and look at it, I just don't associate good things happening while I sleep.  I am not sure what I think I am going to control by staying awake.  It isn't like I am pacing through the baby house all night long making sure no one throws up, no one has diarrhea, or even checking that no one is crying...I am not even spending all of that time in prayer, praying that God's hand would be on each and every child, protecting them from harm.

I often just sit...doing mindless things, over stalking Facebook for any new updates that come from a world that I am missing or playing a random game on the iPad.  During the mindless moments, the faces of all of the children who were so sick often flash in front of my eyes...eyes that cry out for help, for hydration...

I do, I sometimes think it would be easier to just be anywhere but here...back in Iowa.  You left your job, you went home from work, you were allowed to be comfortable and not worry...But I quickly snap out of that.  What a pity party. . . I signed up for this, and though I have times where I have wondered how much more I can take-physically, emotionally, spiritually-God shows up and he carries me to the other side.

I am trying to find the words to tell you that I know it will get better, that I know that I will go to sleep easily again, that I will let my guard down and not be over vigilant, but I don't think those words are coming...at least not right now.

I read a blog post this week by Jen Hatmaker.  I saw it on my newsfeed, reposted by colleagues and friends...the title of it was 'Brave Moms raise Brave Kids'.  This, in general, is a blog post for another day, but it comes to mind now when I think of being brave and pressing forward.  One of the quotes from the blog reads, "Being conformed into the image of Jesus is not a pretty process, because our kids are born into sin and God has messy, real work to do to transform them into disciples. This process involves sacrifice and loss and struggle and failure and courage and maybe even danger and cultivating a single-minded obsession with the kingdom. They may embarrass or disappoint or scare us as they wrestle with God, but can we see his redemptive hand in their lives even then?"  I feel like this is how God feels with us as his children sometimes.  God is doing the messy, hard work in my life right now.  I know that this is longing for me to be OBSESSED with the kingdom and with HIS heart, but He is using some really hard things to teach me and show me this.  He is challenging my ability to have explanations or answers to why things happen and even my response to them.  But rather He is FORCING me into a process that is dangerous.  It is unknown, it is painful, what happened involves a lot of other hearts, hearts that are hurting and grieving-yet this process calls me to turn inward and deal with myself and my own heart and hurt and acknowledge it as important and real.  He is calling me to sacrifice. I have a lot to lose in it.  My sense of control, my defense mechanisms to protect myself and my family, the way people see me and view the situation...it is scary.

I think I am keeping all of my emotions at bay, waiting for my time to have down time...time where I can process it in a controlled setting.  But on days like today, it hits me like a Mac truck and I find myself drowning in a sea of emotions...the bow comes off the nice little box that they are all tied up in and the pain seeps out . . . the nausea comes back . . . the verge of tears . . . the desire to just go to bed and stay there-shutting out the world around me...

But then...

This was my devotional this morning...I just love that God already knew these emotions would come today . . . He was ahead of me, letting me know exactly what I needed to hear . . .

"Learn to trust me when things go "wrong".  Disruptions to your routine highlight your dependence on Me.  Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all.  Walk hand in hand with me throughout this day.  I have lovingly planned every inch of the way.  Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep.  Breathe deep draughts of my presence, and hold tightly to my hand.  Together we can make it!"  -Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

Together we can make it.  I know this is true, because I KNOW that I can't do this on my own.  I love my husband dearly and my sisters and my friends . . . but I can't even make it solely with them.  They don't know all those places I can't put words to, the emotions that brim and overtake me without warning . . . If I stay in this place without Jesus, I will drown, I can glimpse myself flailing in the ocean  from time to time.

Knowing that there is a God who knows...whose ways are higher than mine...
Knowing that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all"...
Knowing that the Lord is my strength and my shield, my ever present help in times of trouble...
Knowing that He holds us, goes before us, prepares the way...
Knowing that He is sovereign and on the throne...and HE will come-He will restore, He will make things right and will make all things new...
Knowing that He holds that little man who woke up last week so sick and there was nothing I could do but hold him...
Knowing that I am His...and although I will fail and fall short, nothing can separate me from His love and claim on my life...

Knowing that I will need to tell myself this daily...is the only way I survive.

I am a broken, fallen being in NEED of a Savior...So I wake up every day, even on the days where the fear and the panic quickly want to settle in, and declare my need for a Savior and make my request for that day.  "God, grant me the manna I need for today.  Complete me in my weakness.  Be alive in me.  Fill my cup that I may overflow with love directly from you.  May I be your hands and feet to the least of these, to my family and my friends.

Heal my heart, O Lord...but in the process continue to break it open for the things that break yours...

I prayed the other night with friends that you would align my heartbeat with yours.  I want your presence in my life, my obedience to your call, to be so natural.  If I stop and listen I can hear it beating, but it blends in to the natural rhythm of my days, is the force that gives me life and drives me forward, it responds and hastens to injustice and rests in his peace and the comfort of his wings...may my heart beat in line with yours, Jesus...

I will never forget what happened a month ago, but I will not lose hope nor will I stop trusting . . . may those things be what carry me through the pain and over the anxiety and fear.





"