Our God...

As I was preparing to blog a little this evening, the lyrics from the song "Our God" by Chris Tomlin came to my mind.  I am not specifically sure why, but I copied and paste them anyway and decided to let them lead my writings...

I feel like I have been in the darkness...covered in ashes and gasping for air.  Things have been heavy for a while, I have been coping...surviving...but not thriving.  The questions is always there, "How are you doing?"  It comes from ppl who just casually ask it, trying to make conversation and be polite, and then it comes from those who know me so well and truly want to know how my heart is and how I am doing...to be honest, it hasn't mattered who has been asking it, b/c my answer has been the same, "I don't really know..."

I don't know how I am...I have been stuck in nurse, coping mode for almost the entire past month.  I literally have moved from one illness, tragedy, emergency to the next...and in the in between I am trying to be a mom, wife, and hostess (to the visiting teams)...I have no idea how I am feeling.

I have processed it with our "family" here on the ground...we have walked through the beginning of everything, and that was helpful.  But I know there is more under the surface, and I am so grateful that I am aware of that...I am not in denial.  But I also know I am not sure if I can handle to tap into the depths of what is there...

But God is GREATER, STRONGER and HIGHER...

This was what I was feeling, and I do continue to feel this way...but new feelings joined in when Gracie got sick.  

Now, know my heart...I grieved, fought, prayed, and LOVE the kiddos here who have been sick...but when your very own baby is sick, it is just different...

I was PISSED!  I had had enough...really God!  Cholera, Addy's arm, Toby's ear...and now Gra is so very sick, her fever won't come down, doctor's in the states are telling me to get her on the Medi-Vac and get her home...I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!

I trust you Jesus...You know I believe in you...but I can't breathe...I just need to come up for air, I just need a little reprieve...

I knew I was mad at God, I verbalized that to Rob and those that I was talking to during the past few days...I think everyone was relieved in some way that I was finally demonstrating some type of emotion...

But God was so much bigger than my selfish, little tantrum-even as I write this, I am so disappointed at how my thoughts were me, me, me...

I was crying out to Jesus...I didn't know what to say during that time, other than his name...I was desperate.  Gracie's fever wasn't breaking and I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know what was making her sick, all I knew was she wasn't getting better.  God really provided with the people and contacts that we were able to make that night--so grateful for Sarah Roe, Jan Bonnema, Dr. Kris and Dr. St Fluer...We were able to come up with a plan.  We had been advised to treat for malaria, so we started that on Sat night.  It was still a rough night, after the medicine we were still up and down with so much diarrhea...I held Gra up to the mirror in the bathroom...

"Mommy, I look really sick...I am like green."

"Yeah, Baby...you are really sick."

"Mommy, I think I need an IV."

"Me too, honey...me too..."

Look at my little lady making a medical plan for herself!

So get an IV she did...thank you Sheila Den Ouden!  I tried to put the IV in...I got blood return on the first try, but when I went to flush it her little vein just blew.  My heart sank...I flat out told her, "Gra this is not ok...I am your momma not your nurse.  I am supposed to hold you and comfort you, not be the one to poke you."

"But Mom, Sheila is sleeping and i just want you to do it..."

So I tried once more, this must have been a more sensitive spot b/c she complained more-never cried throughout any of it...I couldn't torture her by fishing around too much, so after a few passes I retracted the needle.

"Mommy, do you think Sheila will care if we wake her up?"

"Not at all, Baby...and I know she will get it on the first try."

I then feared that I set Sheila up for some heavy pressure...I never told her I said that, but she rose to the occasion and did get it on that first try ;)

Sunday we began to see small improvements...her fevers were down in the 100s...we hadn't seen under 102 the day before, and by the end of Sunday she was almost fever free.  But the abdominal cramping and diarrhea continued.  By the end of the day she was having blood in her stool :(  We called the doctors back again and ended up starting her on an antibiotic.  She had to have more than just malaria going on, she had to have a bug in her tummy, wreaking havoc on her system!

This morning, I talked with 4 different ppl...all who had been to church yesterday and heard a word during the sermon.  The words were all slightly different, yet all of them related to healing, God's promises and claims for us, etc...and everyone thought of Gracie and they were claiming His promises for her.  The masses of people that were praying for her today, boldly carrying her to the throne and proclaiming healing, Christina even came over and anointed her head with oil and prayed the blood of Christ and healing over her...

I was humbled...I was in awe of the Lord...and his people...

Today, folks...Gracie was HEALED!  The physical improvements I saw after a morning of prayer were AMAZING...even if it was the medicine, the rate at which her body improved was miraculous!  Those antibiotics fought some hard battles in her tummy today, but they had some divine help.

I am still weary...I still don't understand...

But I know and trust and believe with every fiber of my being that Our God...MY God...HE is GREATER, and STRONGER, and HIGHER than me and any other...

He is HEALER...

He is AWESOME in Power...

He is OUR God!

He is for me...

He is with me...

Nothing...not illness, not darkness, not anger will stand against the mighty power of My God! King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Awesome in Power...

Our God...

Our God!

He did a miracle today in my little girl...I am claiming it!

Water you turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind there's no one like you, none like You!

Into the darkness you shine out of the ashes we rise there's no one like you none like You!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

Into the darkness you shine out of the ashes we rise there's no one like you, none like You!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
What could stand against.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us.
And if our God is with us, then what could stand against.
Then what could stand against.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.
Our God is Healer, Awesome in Power, Our God! Our God!