No idea...

11.19.12

It is 11:47pm here in Haiti...I should be in bed.  I should have been there an hour or more ago due to the fact that I have been SO tired lately and have been a little under the weather today with a fever and the Big D :(  But here I sit at my computer...my mind spinning around and around...

I just talked with someone on Facebook chat...someone that I know, but don't often talk to...Our conversation lasted maybe 5 minutes, but the depths of what she shared and the devastation that she is now facing both physically and emotionally shook me to my core.  And I had no idea...no idea...

Our small group has been talking about healing...there are individuals in our group who struggle with physical ailments.  We have ben asking the questions "Does our faith keep us from being healed?"  "Does our sin stand in the way of God doing His work in our lives?"  My head is spinning trying to make sense of these questions and come to terms with why there is physical suffering in the lives of my Christian brothers and sisters.  Yet I have no idea...no idea...

We have taken in some new babies over the course of the past week.  A little man who stayed with us for 4 days and is now transitioning into the baby house.  His mom struggles with mental illnesses; his extended family is unable to care for him...so he is here.  I want to keep him in my home and be the family to him that he needs...I want to do that for 65+ babies right now until their own mama's can hold them in their arms.  I want to keep them from hurt and give them the attention they need.  The attention that screams at them, "Jesus loves you little one!"  But I can't fix it and I can be all things to all people, and in this moment...and I have no idea why...no idea...

We have twin little bundles of goodness sleeping in the room below me even as I type this post who fall under the "severely malnourished" category on our chart.  When we sent our social worker to do a home visit the babies lay on the dirt floor of the "house" of their aunt and were watched by other children who were maybe 10 or 11.  Their mama got sick and is dead and their aunt with her 6-7 other kids doesn't have the resources to care for them, so for now they are here and in our care.  They are 6 months old and they are smaller than a few of my kids were when they were born.  There wasn't enough money and hence enough food for them every day...and I have no idea why...no idea...

Yet today this is the devotion that God had for me...
(Jesus Calling, Sarah Young)

"LEAVE OUTCOMES UP TO ME.  Follow Me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out.  Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion.  Living in the now, concentrating on staying in strip with Me.  When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help.  When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence.  Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me.  You already know the ultimate destination of your journey; your entrance into heaven.  So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me."

"I am still confident of this:  I will see the goodness of the lord int he land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." --Psalm 27:13-14

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."  Exodus 15:13

Oh, Jesus.  I am SO grateful for your sovereignty and your control.  'Leave outcomes up to Me'...I think it is so east to just wrestle with the "why" of the things that happen around us.  For me lately I have been wrestling with the "that is not ok" of the stories and the situations I have encountered.  But I think one thing that I have to remember is, God doesn't want my heart to grow numb to those situations. He wants me to empathize, He wants to show me his children through his eyes.  Jesus, break my heart for what breaks yours!  And in doing that...in staying in that place of having no control over the outcome and having no power to "fix" the situation...that place is the place where I am truly allowed to be the hands and feet of Jesus.  An open channel of his LOVE and his PEACE to his children b/c in those moments that is all I have to give them.  No solutions...no quick fix...often no justice...just LOVE.  Christ's love...love that comes with the proclamation, "TAKE HEART!"...and through that I can rest in the confidence that we WILL see the goodness of the Lord here on earth!