11.05.12
I don’t really have a clear recollection of this morning, because I have been looking forward to this time ALL DAY! And you can bet that I was angry when Rob “came home” from work, and 5 minutes later had disappeared again. He had told me yesterday that I could have the afternoon. The afternoon? What does that even mean? WHat does that even look like? I am not by myself much here at all...or like ever! I usually do my devotion time while the girls are writing their Bible verses or reading themselves, and even then it is so broken that it isn’t really focused time with God. I was thrilled at this opportunity! I had someone to meet with at 1:30 and then I grabbed some lunch and made my way to the back of our property. I was planning on sitting on the backside of the baby house-it has the GREATEST view from the back porch and you can’t see any of COTP in your field of vision. That might sound awful, but I just wanted to feel so far away...completely detached. As I walked to the back of the property I noticed that there was a chair on the roof of the baby house. The sun was hitting just right that a tree was protecting that area of the roof and providing wonderful shade. I felt the breeze blow through my hair as I walked...Thank you for preparing a place for me, Jesus. I felt touched in the most intimate way...I felt invited in. I have longed for this invitation and had been looking for it to come in human form. I know that many have told me stories of their loss of relationships with moves, etc and how much closer those transitions brought them to Jesus and even closer to their spouses. I heard them...I really did. I just chose not to listen. But as I walked, I felt that need be answered-and our coffee hadn’t even been brought to the table yet :)
Why is it that our souls can thirst, and wrench, and cry out for something so much and in our inner beings we know what they are longing for...we know the remedy...yet we continually look to earthly things, tangible things to care for our spirits and our beings?
After figuring out how to make it up to the roof (there was a large piece of plywood stretched out across the stairs, blocking the way in a sense and not overly reliable to walk on), I walked over to the chair, which was placed almost perfectly on the roof. I sat down and arranged all of the “goodies” that I had brought along-Bible (obviously), notebook, iPod/headphones, computer, and “Simply Jesus” by N.T. Wright. I just sat there then for a minute...what do I do now?
Take in the silence? Oh wait, it is far from silent, even back here. I can hear the voices from the courtyard of my own children and Elijah swinging and giggling on the playground. I can hear nannies talking with each other in the pavilion while the little ones nap, I hear the dump trucks that relentlessly travel the road outside of our gates, hauling rock from a nearby quarry to the airport in attempts to finish the runway. I hear what sounds like a helicopter in the far off distance. I also hear what sounds like an ice cream truck on the road, and though I haven’t seen it I am told that is a vehicle carrying machetes that are for sale. Definitely not ice cream.
Soon I hear the voices of little ones awaking from their naps and making their needs known. For awhile I hear the words of the Gungor songs, Please Be My Strength and We Will Run to You...
”We will run to you, we will run to you turning from our sin we RETURN to you. Father heal your world, make all things new, make all things new. Ooh, bring us back to you...oooh, bring us back to you...”
I also was soon very aware of a call in the distance. When I came up to the rook there were 7-10 children in the neighboring field gathering up sugar cane and tending to the cattle that grazed in this area of the field. It must have been my hot pink t-shirt that soon gave me away, because I soon realized the “Hey! Hey, you!” was directly pointed in my direction and when I did look up to see if it was indeed me they were yelling at, the burst out in laughter as to say, “Yes! Made you look!”
But now those noises are drowned out again by the music coming through my head phones. It is so hard, b/c I want to turn off the music...I want to be silent...but when I do turn it off I hear the noises of the world around me and feel so distracted. My thoughts drift to to do lists and things I should be doing...where are my children? They drift to relationships that I have made here at COTP both with staff and the new volunteers that are with us...They drift to the JOY that is beginning to make itself known in this place--Rob is doing such a great job with the nannies and is often found talking with them or showing them his dance moves and almost always walks away with them calling him, “Tapejer” which means joker in Creole. But as much as my thoughts want to stay in the JOY of this place, and I force them there as long as I can my thoughts begin to drift toward the hard. Looking up does keep me in that place a little longer, as the sun is being pulled down towards the mountains and it is casting a golden shimmer across the tips of the crops and the trees and the mountains reign in the distance...the scene is breathtaking-I never knew there were so many shades of green-and trust me, no camera can do it justice-I have tried :) But soon I find myself fully submerged in the hard...oh, Jesus...the places that only You can touch, the places only redeemable by your work through us, but moreso by your coming again to reign.
I just learned that many times the streets of Haiti never sleep. In many homes, families sleep in shifts b/c there is not enough floor space for everyone to fit. So while half of the family is sleeping the other half is outside, near the closest fire or lit area.
We have a friend who had gotten a cavity filled 10 years ago, and that filling fell out last week. He endured the pain as long as he could and then went to the doctor this weekend. It was going to cost him $1500 US dollars to get that filling fixed...he makes $200/month...so what could they do for him then? They pulled 2 of his teeth-2 of his back molars...man, my flesh just screams out, “That is NOT ok!” So while Rob has been giving him some of Toby’s squeezable baby foods and encouraging him to eat and asking him how he is doing...he continues to work so hard for us. Smiling SO often to all of us, especially Toby and Addy :) And he goes on, he presses forward...
Living in community is beautifully, messy. Many of you know that I am very relational. I love being with people and I love sharing meals, playing games, and just being together. Well, let me be the first to tell you that it is different when you live with people you never knew very well, in a very emotionally charged environment, and you all work together. It is hard! I describe it though as beautifully messy b/c as hard as it is...we hurt each other, we cry together, we are always together...it is also such a blessing. You look to your left and you look to your right and you know that you don’t walk alone. Someone else is down here, walking this walk with you, on the front lines with you. They get what you are going through, they know when you pray for you or when to make you laugh...and if they don’t and their timing sucks, secretly you do appreciate their attempts. And you know they are called...in the same way that I am called and have been appointed to this place at this time, they too have received that same call from our Father...and that is the best part of it all! We are brothers and sisters seeking to love and serve other brothers and sisters, all united by the love and grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ!
It is funny, as I sit here and close my eyes to just let the sun peak through the trees and shine on my face, I turned back towards the baby house to see if there was any activity...and the entire sky is dark with the threat of impending rain, yet here I sit...basking in the sunlight taking in every part of the masterpiece that sits at my feet.
I feel like that is indicative of where I am a little right now. I know that there is hard on its way...I know there is impending doom that Satan is wanting to threaten us with and bestow on us...but as I close my eyes and bast in the light...I know my God is worthy, I know He is sovereign and I know that despite the BEAUTIFUL MESS he has a plan. I know that He is for me...he is for his people! I just read in Jeremiah today, in fact it says it twice in the first chapter, “They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and I will RESCUE you.” I think that in the past I might have missed a key element of this. I think I would have been quick to think...YES! God is with me and HE is going to rescue me :) But the reality is Yes! He is going to rescue us, but that means that troubles are impending on the horizon...there is NO guarantee that troubles will not come. No where does it say in this verse, “They will fight against you but will not overcome you b/c I will stop them from coming”...
“The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to SAVE (again an act that requires something to save us from)
He will take great delight in you,
He will rejoice over you with singing
he will quiet you with His love.” Zephaniah 3:17
God has appointed Jeremiah to “...uproot and teardown, destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.” He calls to him, “Stand up and say whatever I command you. Do not be terrified of them...”
God what are you calling me to uproot and teardown...to build and to plant...???
This applies to us, folks. He has appointed us as His children. As the bearers of his image, the hand and the feet of his love to his children, the channels of His peace...What does this look like for you? How are you putting yourself in those “unsafe” or troubled places and allowing God to be the one to rescue you and to save you? I don’t know about you, but after my time on the roof this afternoon that is where I am at...crying out to God and seeking his face and direction. I want to be saved...I want to speak BOLDLY-I long to speak boldly the TRUTH of our Lord to those who don’t know and ears that need to ear (and I pray that my ears would be open to hear that truth as well!), and I don’t want to be afraid! I want to sit in my chair and bask in the sunshine, feeling the warmth of His love, the breeze of His grace and the beauty of His creation...all the while aware and knowing that the rain and the storms will come and I WILL BE SAVED and I WILL BE RESCUED!
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