I had every intention of getting out of bed to go for a run this morning, but as soon as my eyes opened I knew where I needed to be...
Last night, I caught myself getting ready to yell again...yup, I have been that mom lately. So before it could escape my mouth again, I quickly kissed my girlies goodnight, strapped on the tennies and quickly headed out to the path behind our house. "Oh, night-running, how I have missed you!"
Why am I feeling so angry? As I ran I tried to think about what could be fueling that, and processing through if I had anger issues. I really was perplexed...I don't think I do, but what is wrong with me? What am I wound so tight?
I find myself writing in my journal about gentleness, and just really praying that I would be slow to speak, quick to listen...and as quickly as I am thinking those thoughts, my head fills with the thoughts of the checklists I need to go over with Dieulenne, the three tests I need to take this week, the homeschool plans I have yet to make, the things I want to do for Em before she comes....
Whoa...down shift. Run harder, run faster, do more, do more, do more...EEEK!
So, this morning I sat at the feet of my maker. I didn't go running; in fact, I made a point to stop the running. I needed to do that more than I needed to make sure that I ran every day. I let him whisper over me, His Beloved...and I listened to him.
One breath at a time, one step at a time, one thing at a time...
Getting to be too much? Reacting to every little thing? Can't catch your breath?
Come back and sit a while, My Beloved...Rest in me...Trust me...Move in me...
As Rob tells me, I have a lot of plates spinning. And despite this current bout of reactiveness and fullness, I really think that God has given me each of these plates for a specific reason and purpose. But I am also confident that God is showing me that I am humanly incapable of keeping all of these plates spinning simultaneously. "You need me, Erin." And my humanity is having no problem thinking I can do it all; actually, my flesh is pretty oblivious and is asking, "Why can't you do it all?"
I can't b/c I am a dependent on the One whose ways are higher than my thoughts and whose ways are higher than my ways. That dependency has been one of the biggest, most tangible lessons of my time in Haiti. When I was finishing up my last year of nursing school, preggo with Toby, and trying to do 50 other things as well, God really taught me to pray each day, "Lord, just give me manna for today. Just what I need to get through this day." However, it has been in Haiti that he has truly showed me the next level of this. He has shown me his ability to tangibly provide for me, to meet my needs, and to equip me to face the challenges and accept the blessings that are right in front of me every day.
Last week I stood in the pharmacy with our social worker Roseline while we met with a father and his son. His wife had passed away, and before I came in Roseline told me of how they had very little, many mouths to feed, and that dad wanted adoption for his little boy. As we stood there, I prayed about what to do and what to say before I even listened to the boys lungs or checked for fever. All of a sudden, the dad handed the little boy his phone and music started coming from it. A smile spread across the boy's face and his little booty started swaying and moving to the music. Ha! It was beyond adorable, and right then I knew what to say to the dad.
"You love your son. Look at his face, he loves you. He is happy, and dancing, and he is going to be ok. You don't want him to stay here..."
Dad just looked at me knowingly and smiled. This happens from time to time. Parents come and they say the adoption word like it is no big deal, yet they think by saying it we will see and hear their desperation and help them meet their kiddos needs. This is hard...yet, isn't that where we just find ourselves sometimes? Crying out in our desperation...not really knowing what our deal is, but knowing it is serious and we need help, and really willing to say anything to make the crazy stop.
Day after day, for the past two years, I have been on a journey to learning this. Sometimes I think that by taking out all of the distractions of America (schedules, activities, screen time, consumerism) I can see God more clearly; and sometimes, yes, this is true...but then I realize that there are still distractions here, they just have different faces (screen time, serving, meeting the needs of others, work, school). We have no choice but to clear the way for the Lord to work in our lives.
The best word came to me again this past Sunday in Pastor Dan's sermon, "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her." (Luke 10:41-42)
Only one thing, friends. One thing that CANNOT be taken from us. One thing that we can take with us from this life to the next. That we would daily chose to sit at the feet of our maker, hear his whisper our name, "My Beloved", let him hear our hearts, heal our wounds, and give us the manna we need to face the day.
May I walk in this, not just through the next few month in Haiti...but daily, until the day I find myself literally at the feet of my King.
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