Striving to be Brave

I love bedtime these days.  Yes, you heard me right...a mama of four little ones is loving bedtime!  Let me clarify that Rob is usually the one to put Toby to bed, and Addy, well that girl takes care of herself. At least 3 times a week she is falling asleep somewhere (usually the dinner table) and the other nights she simply states, "I am really tired" and the next thing I know she is asleep in her bed.  

So it is the big two that I am in charge of, and they are just SO into reading right now.  Even tonight, Gracie knew it was later and as she was brushing her teeth she says to me, "Mom, I just have this craving to read right now..."  I can tell she is probing, and I know I am weak in this area..."Ok, one chapter."

Now, the part I love.  For the past few nights, Gracie, Karys and I have all been reading before bed.  I am not reading out loud and we are all reading different things; but we are all snuggled in a bed or propped up in a corner in the same room doing the same thing...and it is so PEACEFUL!  

I love my girls hearts and desires for reading!  I would say that is the one area we are excelling with our education down here right now.  They both have book boxes and lists going and they are averaging more than 10 books a week.  That is a MAJOR increase for us...and they do it on their own!  I love it!

So tonight, I continued to read Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts"...(I know, I am making my way through it at turtle speed because I keep rereading the chapters I love-aka every one!)

Here is what stuck out to me tonight...

"I know there is poor and hideous suffering, and I've seen the hungry and the guns that go to war.  I have lived pain, and my life can tell:  I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild roses in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives.  Why would the world need more anger, more outrage?  How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us?  Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering.  The converse does.  The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, the are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world.  When we lay the soil of our lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows.  How can this not be the best thing for the world?  For us?  The clouds open when we mouth thanks."

Sweet, Jesus...so many good nuggets of goodness in here...

But the one that sticks out..."the brave"...

"The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, the are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world."

Am I brave?

Let me just tell you that I have had every good reason to feel heavy hearted the past week.  Every night that I do med rounds I am inundated with conversations with our nannies explaining to me their headaches and their high blood pressure issues and their over all decline in health.  We talk further and I ask, "What do you think is the cause of this?  Is this something that you struggle with o a routine basis?"

Take one guess at what the cause is...just close your eyes, imagine you know what their life is like...

They are women living in Haiti.  They have children.  They have a job.  They daily live in the poorest country in the world.  It is September.

(I wish I could hear your guesses at this point :)

The stress they are feeling is that of school starting.  For almost all of our nannies, their kids officially start school (uniforms and everything) on Tuesday of this coming week.  

EVERY night, I check blood pressures, give ibuprofen, and listen...and every night I walk away helpless and heavy.  My husband must love me because I often come home and ask how much money we have.  How much money do we have that we don't need?

Not enough for all of them...

I hate this time of year.  I could delve into the fact that we take our kids education for granted in the States.  I know we pay through taxes and some small fees, I know we buy supplies and school clothes and backpacks...but because we want to and we can.

Education around the world is limited and it is EXPENSIVE.  In light of what our nannies wages are, education is a huge portion of their income if they have multiple children.

Am I brave?

I can't give money I don't have.  But I can crouch down, put my hand on their shoulder and listen and cry with them.  

When I asked her how her children were tonight, a nanny told me they were well.  They were in the area to take tests before school started and then they were back to Port a Prince to start school for the year.  She has five children.  "Madame Rob, you know I have no husband.  He died three years ago."

Another nanny just told me tonight, she had all of her books bought for school and everything ready to go and with the heavy rains we had yesterday/last night everything got wet in her house.  EVERYTHING she bought for school...

Yet another nanny, one of my favorites because she is always so joyful and full of life, looked so heavy hearted tonight.  When I asked her how she was she flat out told me she was bad.  In the rains yesterday, the floor of her house cracked and the walls separated and as much as fell over with her and her children in it.  "Madame Rob, kay mwen tombe (My house fell)."  There are 7 people living in her house...and her house FELL from the rain!

Am I brave?

NO!  I am not brave!  I borrow books from friends and I educate my kids because I myself have received and excellent education.  I live in a house that isn't going to fall during a rainstorm-even in Haiti, I never question the quality of my house or if my roof is going to leak on my possessions.  My husband is ALIVE and well and SO HELPFUL!  HE does laundry and dishes and helps put kids to bed and provides for us...I am not brave...

But I walk amongst some of the bravest people I know...every day...

I say, "Bondye konnen tout bagay" (God knows every thing)

"Mwen pral ede ou lapriyè" (I will help you pray)

"Ou se yon manman bon" (You are a good mother)

"Ou se brav" (you are brave)

I wish I had all the money in the States on these nights...

I even asked the nanny who lost her home if Rob and I could come and visit.  She readily agreed...but she said, "If you come, all of the Haitians around me will think that I will be blessed with much money...because I know a "blan"."  

"You know I don't have much money...I may not be able to help you or fix it..."

"I know."

"Do you still want us to come?"

"Oh yes, come and see!"

She is brave...I walk among the brave...

I am finding Joy in new places and CLAIMING it at every opportunity...I am striving to be brave.  To be a "change agent who brings fullest Light to all the world."  I know that this doesn't come with the 'do for' of our life in Haiti...but rather through the relationships and the effort to make someone that I cross paths with or work with on a daily basis 'known'.

I have so much to learn...but I am learning, and unlearning for that matter.  His Grace is sufficient...Joy comes in the morning...our Hope is secure...

"When we lay the soil of our lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows."