Restless

As I walked into the pharmacy today I saw it sitting on the desk; a urine sample that was left there for me this morning.  I had other things to attend to first so there it stayed until all had left the pharmacy but Rachel and I.

I explained to her how I was feeling...

These tests are so hard for me.  In the States, I feel like I was surrounded by people trying to plan out the right times in their lives to have babies, struggling with infertility or just plain rejoicing over the life growing inside them.

I do not encounter those emotions that often here...

YES!  I have done tests for the handful that have been trying to get pregnant.  Who see that line and hear my words and cry tears of JOY and happiness.

But so many...so many feel the cloud over their heads...

I am too old (too young) for this...
I already have ___ mouths to feed, tuitions to pay, bodies to clothe, heads to house...
Can my body do this again?
My other children are sick all the time, how will I keep this one healthy?  how will I keep them alive?
I can't afford the hospital, nor if I could would I get there in time...
I do not want this life for them...

These are literal questions that have arouse.  Not to mention the ones that I know are rolling through their heads when I give them the news.

I pick up the sample and go to the sink to pour it over the stick...

Let's be honest, it didn't even need one minute, let alone three...

Sweet, sweet Jesus...

I threw the test in the trash...across the room...

I feel so nauseous and struggle to breathe deep...and the results are not even mine.

I tell Rachel the results.  She tells me that she did a test on Tuesday as well--same results.

I had just talked with one of these women about planning on Sunday night.  We made plans to get her to a local clinic this next week after we knew her period was going to come.  The shot was free and we would bring her every three months.

Now we will make plans for prenatal visits instead.

LIFE!!!  It is life folks!  When is there a life created that should not be celebrated...never!  I am just looking for what that looks like right now!

I know these women...they are BEAUTIFUL!  They are BRAVE and BOLD and I know that they will raise their children in that same likeness...

I am RESTLESS...

Was just watching Jennie Allen's trailer that is on her blog, for her new book Restless.

Restless explores the fact that God has called each of us to do great things in his name, and then helps us discover what that might mean for each of us individually. Jennie says, “We are called to dream but we’re afraid to. But because we are called, when we don’t act on it we become restless—restless to find purpose, to make a difference in the world, to matter.”

I want to make a difference for these women-moseso I want to help them SEE and OWN their purpose and be difference makers and world changers themselves!!!  AND, I do life with so many other women who want the same as well.  I think it is so easy to be overcome by the "right" and the "wrong" way to do that.  Can we just hand them baby supplies?  Can we just buy them a years supply of food for their families?  Is that creating dependence?  (Sometimes I wish I had NEVER read "When Helping Hurts"!)

As I was doing this I began to think about in my head, "Am I restless?  What makes me feel that way, right now, today?"

Of course these thoughts were triggered by Jennie asking this question, here and the fact that OF COURSE I would want to be the recipient of this gift:

We’re giving away Advanced Reader’s Copies of Restless to 20 people who comment below with the story behind their answer to the following question:

“I am restless for _____________________________. ” #restlessproject

You guys!  You should go to this page and check this out, JUST to read the responses!  

Anyway, this was mine:

"I am restless for mamas. I long for all women to be able to welcome their babies into the world with joy and anticipation, not with fear for their safety or question of their ability to provide and care for them. I am restless for the day when mamas feel empowered in their roles and can visibly see the sovereign Lord’s calling for their lives. When their children, whom they are able to KEEP and love and raise are able to one day rise up and call themselves blessed, because a BRAVE, BOLD, BEAUTIFUL woman were given the gift of life in their womb and chose to embrace it! #restlessproject"

I know that this response is rooted in my recent admission to MIDWIFERY SCHOOL!!!  (Woot!  Woot!) And also in the passion that God is growing DAILY deep within my being for BRAVE, BOLD mamas...But also just in the fact that I DAILY get to walk with mamas who are working hard, striving to provide for their families and it just seems to never be enough...

I talk with mamas and aunties and grans at our gate who want what is best for their babies; but end up looking in the mirror and not seeing themselves as the best answer or as a solution at all.

This is NOT OK...this is not the Father's heart for his daughters...for His children...

So I am RESTLESS and I am SEEKING and I am PRAYING...

You guys, I am CRYING out to GOD and I feel the rocks joining in with me and the hills and the valleys groaning!  

I don't have an answer and there are no easy solutions.  But something...there just has to be something that can be done...

So I am loving the ones I know, I am holding their hands, I am am trying to lift up their heads...only to point them towards the ONE...

I am SEEKING and asking God to move in their lives to demonstrate his sovereignty and declare HIS faithfulness!!!  

And if along the way God makes known steps I can take or provides answers for what to do...then I am praying that I would recognize them, be able to discern and be obedient to respond.

Never, never did I ever fear for how my child would enter the world and never did I question if they would eat or if they would live because of not being able to eat...

NEVER, you guys...

NOT OK...

But here we trust, and we remember that we are not alone...never even once...(Heard this song on the radio in the truck tonight-Yup, Christian radio station out of Alabama on the radio here in Haiti :) 

"Never Once"

Matt Redman

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful